And speaking of seasons, during the past three weeks I also transitioned into my third trimester. Fascinatingly, everything about my pregnancy thus far has been "textbook" in that my experience seems to be matching the "average" experience generally described in pregnancy books. Overall, this makes me incredibly grateful, since it means my baby is healthy and developing exactly as she should be, and it also means the oddball things I am going through are perfectly normal and to be expected. Thank God for both those things. What this also means, though, is that my third trimester is hitting me hard--way harder than I expected, no matter what the pregnancy books say. I offer as evidence the following story, which will also make it clear why posting to my blog these past few weeks was next to impossible...
***
At the beginning of the Spring semester (which just ended) I received the syllabus for my Old Testament Exegesis course. In it, I learned what our final term paper assignment would be. I could tell immediately that it would be intense, but I also saw our professor had great foresight and built into the semester check-in points regarding the paper, so there was no way we could reach the last two weeks of the course without having done some substantial work on the paper already. My experience with this paper was a roller-coaster, to put it mildly: I went from being pumped about the initial research I was able to get done on it, to mid-semester having a bit of a meltdown (at home, in the supportive presence of my loving husband) about feeling totally lost regarding what we were being asked to do for it. The meltdown had both physical and mental repercussions (which I soon recovered from), resulting in my actually skipping a class meeting for the sake of recovering. To be honest, it largely came down to putting way too much pressure on myself--something I tend to do anyway, but doing so while in the hormonal throes of pregnancy = a recipe for disaster. I resolved to make an appointment to meet with my professor in order to discuss the paper, and basically tell him I needed help and direction because I felt utterly lost. (Ah, humility, glad to see you again.)
That meeting, which occurred at the very end of April, went quite well. My professor helped clarify aspects of my topic that were throwing me for a loop (and thus making me feel like an idiot), and ultimately told me he wasn't worried about where I was with the paper, that I had things more under control than I thought. So, that was very encouraging, and it left me with almost three weeks to write the paper in time for its May 18th deadline. So, one week went by...and I had library-related projects that needed my attention that week. Another week went by...and our final exam was coming up and I needed to spend the bulk of my time studying for it. And suddenly it was the third week, and I had a handful of days to actually write the paper.
Now, under different circumstances than those I found myself in, I can take a set of 3-5 days and knock out a 12-page paper (double spaced), assuming I have done some research/prep work on the paper already (which I had). But remember how I noted that over the past three weeks I also transitioned into my third trimester? Here are some things this has meant for me:
- muscles I didn't know I had are aching
- I have to do everything--everything--slower than usual, from standing up to opening the door to getting settled prior to commencing a new task like, say, writing a paper
- my balance is off, since I am carrying around more weight than this body ever has in its 28 years on this earth
- sleeping at night is getting harder--for instance, I have to go to the bathroom several times each night, so I don't get a truly full night's sleep anymore
- my hands and feet fall asleep fairly regularly, but especially when I've been sitting for long periods of time--oh, like, for example, while trying to write a paper
- by midday I have heartburn that sticks around until the end of the day unless I take something for it (which I do--thank you Zantac)
- the baby is kicking up a storm, which is both awesome but also a bit hard on the muscles and organs around her, especially when trying to concentrate on something other than my body--like, say, writing a paper (observing a theme here?)
Now, it's worth noting again that, thankfully, I and the baby are both healthy. So the above experiences, while challenging for a first-time pregnant mother who is used to moving through life at a pretty fast pace, are thankfully not at the level of indicating anything being seriously wrong. They are just par for the course...and though I read about most of these prior to reaching my third trimester, I was naive enough to think maybe I'd be able to duck and dodge a few of them. Ha, yea right.
But what it does mean is, there was no way I was going to finish that paper in the 3-5 days I allotted for it. Talk about a hard pill to swallow for an over-achiever like yours truly. So my mental process last week, when those 3-5 days occurred, went something like this:
"Ok, right now I'm going to tightly outline and then write the first section of the paper using all these great sources I've collected."
---after getting all my sources arrayed around me, and the document up on the screen in front of me---
"Man, I'm tired. Ok, now it's time to really begin what I said I was gonna do. Let's do this."
---after having accomplished a bit of good work, but nowhere near even half done with the first section of the paper---
"Oh my goodness I can't feel my feet."
---freaking out for a moment, then standing and walking around to get the feeling back, only to realize I'm either hungry or need to use the bathroom or both, so I go and do those...20 minutes go by before I return to the computer---
"Ok, let's pick up where I left off..."
---by now I'm utterly exhausted but determined to try, only then the baby starts to kick---
"Babygirl I love you dearly and I've been waiting for you to kick like this for months, but please, can you be calm for just a little while so I can get some work done???"
---she cheerefully ignores my request---
"Sigh. I am horrible at life." [NOTE: this is where the mental process becomes irrational and clearly influenced by my hormones.]
---I proceed to stare into space, on the verge of tears because I feel like half the scholar I used to be---
By this time, it's pointless trying to get any more work done on the paper, and usually it required that my husband come get me out of my funk by assuring me this irrational conclusion I had arrived at was a lie. I'd then proceed to put all my books away and move on to something that made me feel less useless. The process then turned into a sad, hard-to-break cycle when, after rest and rejuvenation, I decided to try to get more work done on the paper, set yet another impossible-to-meet goal (because I'm stubborn and hard-headed), and commenced with the above process yet again...
Needless to say, I did not meet the May 18th deadline, but luckily my professor was very understanding and gave me until as close to the grade submission deadline as possible to get it to him. That gave me the equivalent of three more days (i.e., this past weekend). Well, I am happy to report that, at 12:30 pm on Monday, I was able to give him something he could grade in time to post my grade to the registrar's grading system.
Thus was the Leavetaking of my Spring semester. And thank God for it.
***
At one point (well, on May 13th) amid all of this hubbub, though, I celebrated my first Mother's Day as a mother. (N.B. Anyone who reads the above and somehow can't see that carrying my little one around right now, while keeping myself healthy and sane for her sake, is a good example of what it means to be a mother, is out of touch with reality...). And since I like to include at least one picture with each of my posts, here's a shot of me that Paul took on Mother's Day, which was the day before my third trimester began.
The third trimester (or thereabouts) doesn't look quite as hard from this angle, does it?
The third trimester (or thereabouts) doesn't look quite as hard from this angle, does it?
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| First Mother's Day, 29 Weeks Me and my babygirl :) (who, by the way, I love more dearly than any paper or class or grade) |
this is a lot. I am glad you got lots of help and support. I remember reading one of Madeleine L'Engle's journals about her life and in one of them she said that whatever she wrote when she was pregnant was never published; she found that all of her creative energy was used to grow the child within her. It really is a very demanding thing, from what I have gathered. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you for the note of support, Elizabeth. That is really interesting about Madeleine L'Engle (who I love, btw). It makes a lot of sense, what she says about writing while pregnant. It suggests that growing a child during pregnancy is a creative (perhaps even artistic, if the mother considers herself as a collaborator with God) act. I like this thought. :)
DeleteAlso, I wanted to let you know I'm so excited for you that your grandmother's wedding dress fits so well, with only minor alterations needed--what a blessing! I hope that perhaps you will post a photo of it (it sounds beautiful), likely after your wedding day so Orthoman won't see it in advance on your blog ;)
You're in the home stretch! Just think of the night time wakings as training. I haven't slept through the night since I was pregnant with Sweet Pea. So almost six years. You get used to it, sort of. :)
ReplyDeleteMay God grant the rest of your pregnancy be healthy!
Thank you Kh. Nicole! It's good to know that I'll get somewhat used to interrupted sleep. Right now it is challenging, but it may also be because of my size and shape, since waking up in the middle of the night doesn't mean simply springing up to go to the bathroom or whatever the need may be--instead it means carefully rolling over and using very tired muscles to get up and do whatever needs doing. Not that I am complaining--I pray the above post doesn't come off as a complaint. It was more me observing in myself what this very humbling experience is like. Thank you for the prayers for the rest of my pregnancy--and I hope your 40 days have been/continue to be restful and enjoyable!
DeleteGod Bless all your efforts, Donna! You are such an amazing person: mother, wife, friend, student, hard worker....and the list could go on and on. :) Love you lots--I know how proud little Rosebud will be when she's old enough to know all that you've been through. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Kathy dear. I'm grateful for your love and support. :)
DeleteIn Russian, the word "pregnant" literally means "burdened", and in church Slavonic it means "non-idle". Any woman who's been pregnant will understand why. :-)
ReplyDeleteI hope you are near the end of your grad program. When I was pregnant, the beginning of my third trimester coincided with the beginning of my first grad semester and I finished my 10-page final research paper just days before giving birth. Now, I am saying this not to brag, but to share something that wasn't apparent to me at that time (when I was desperately counting days till giving birth and returning to my usual productive self): school work is much-much easier during pregnancy than after pregnancy. My concept of possible vs. impossible got totally revolutionized with Anna's birth. This time around, 10-page research papers get written overnight (from the time baby goes to sleep till she wakes up, as there's no other opportunity).
What I'm trying to say is try not to feel impatient for the future. Enjoy the present. Pregnancy is a wonderful time, even with all the oddities and challenges. AND solicit all the help you can get for the months ahead. It's going to be crazy, BUT super-fun. I'm looking forward to seeing you at the baby shower :-)
Thank you for the helpful and supportive comment, Valentina! I think it is absolutely spot-on that the words for "pregnant" in both Russian and Church Slavonic mean what they do. Makes perfect sense to me.
DeleteThankfully I am very near the end of my grad program, and yet what that actually means is, most of what is left for me is working toward writing my Master's thesis. Which means, more writing (a LOT more writing) in my future. Perhaps it's naive of me to think it, but the fact that the rest of my course work is largely self-directed, and does not require that I attend any more in-the-classroom class meetings, relieves a lot of the pressure for me and makes me think it will be "easier" than the semester I just went through. And, while my deadline for completing the thesis work is not *completely* open-ended, there is definitely flexibility built in, which means, though I could set the overly ambitious goal of having the thesis completed by May 2013 (the earliest I could possibly finish it), the fact that this upcoming year coincides with my daughter's first year, likely means the thesis work will go slower than that--which is fine, and absolutely worth the sacrifice. It will be what it will be, and I am comfortable with that. :)
Yay, so glad you'll be at the shower! Looking forward to seeing you then!